Transcript: United States v. Claus

Children are waiting, watching, learning. Feliz Navidad.

United States v. Claus

JUDGE: Let’s begin this proceeding. State your names and whom you represent.

GRINCHELL: Darrell Grinchell, representing U.S. Department of Justice.

CLAUS: Claus, first name Santa. I will represent myself, sir.

JUDGE: You wish to be your own counsel, Mr. Claus?

CLAUS: Yes, your honor.

JUDGE: As I understand it, this dispute stems from an ICE removal action does it not?

GRINCHELL: Yes, your honor.

CLAUS: It is without merit, your excellency.

JUDGE: Just Judge or your honor will suffice. You may state your case, Mr. Grinchell.

GRINCHELL: Mr. Claus, aka Santana Claus, was placed in custody—

CLAUS: Excuse me, my moniker is not Santana, it’s Santa. Santa … Claus.

GRINCHELL: We shall see. To continue, he was detained on a burglary charge. He is also an illegal alien with no identification and we are in the process of relocating him out of the U.S. He is unstable of mind and a danger to the citizenry. We ask you to call a halt to this hearing and remander the defendant to our custody.

JUDGE: Where was he arrested?

GRINCHELL: On the roof of a home attempting to break in.

JUDGE: Is that right, Mr. Claus?

CLAUS: ‘Tis true, I was indeed on a roof. About to climb down a chimney, as I usually do, with gifts for the children who lived there. I was rudely handcuffed and my bag of gifts was confiscated. I’d like them returned and wish to be set free, so I may continue my delivery of gifts throughout the world, which I do every year on this date.

GRINCHELL: You cannot allow that, Judge. This man is a menace.

JUDGE: He doesn’t look like a menace.

GRINCHELL: Judge, if I may, we have reason to believe Mr. Claus’s real name is Santo Klaus Traficante. We can produce witnesses who will state he is a drug kingpin who delivers narcotics — not gifts — in that bag of his.

JUDGE: Where’s the evidence, Mr. Grinchell?

GRINCHELL: Well, we don’t have it in hand yet …

JUDGE: Then sit down. I want to hear from the defendant. Where do you live, Mr. Claus? Where are you from?

CLAUS: It is known as the North Pole, sir.

GRINCHELL: That is U.S. territory, Judge! Our property. He is trespassing and must vacate forthwith.

JUDGE: Mr. Grinchell, the North Pole does not belong to the United States. It has no sovereign ownership and is not part of any nation’s territory.

GRINCHELL: Well, maybe not currently, but plans are underway to assume control and ownership of the entire Pole region. We will file a claim soon.

JUDGE: I’m sure you will. Sit back down. Do you have any ID, Mr. Claus?

CLAUS: No, Judge, I have never required one.

JUDGE: Where were you born?

CLAUS: The North Pole, I have always lived there. For generations.

JUDGE: Born on December 25th I presume?

CLAUS: You are wise, your honor.

JUDGE: Do you live alone?

CLAUS: No, I live with Mrs. Claus. And with elves.

GRINCHELL: There you see your honor! He thinks he lives with Elvis. He is mad as a hatter. I beg the court to end this ridiculous charade!

JUDGE: I believe he said “elves” not Elvis. Don’t put words in the defendant’s mouth.

CLAUS: For the record, I have always enjoyed the song stylings of Mr. Presley.

JUDGE: Who has left the building. For the record, Mr. Claus, why do you do it? Why do you deliver gifts to children around the world?

CLAUS: Why? To bring them joy, of course. But as well, to teach them about gratitude and generosity, and to let them experience the warm glow of making someone happy with a gift. In truth, we all benefit.

GRINCHELL: Not all, Judge. We have discovered Mr. Claus has a list — a list of nice kids and naughty kids. We’d like that list released to the public.

CLAUS: Oh goodness, I could never do that. It’s a secret list and many children might suffer embarrassment.

GRINCHELL: We want that list divulged, your honor. The naughty ones, at least. They could be dangerous, deplorable children. We need to investigate them and monitor them. They may be illegals!

JUDGE: I think that would be very unwise, Mr. Grinchell.

GRINCHELL: Your honor, you don’t want to be known as an activist judge. Please resolve this dispute in our favor immediately so ICE can continue its vital work of keeping American citizens safe!

JUDGE: Enough, Mr. Grinchell. Again, sit down.

GRINCHELL: Consider this point then, Judge. Mr. Claus, we think, may be the leader of a prostitution ring. That’s right. We have video of him on a rooftop yelling, “Ho, ho, ho!” As if to let the whole world know where to go for illicit sex.

JUDGE: You are reaching, Grinchell. Quiet. So, Mr. Claus, do you know where I live? My address?

CLAUS: Yes, your honor, I do.

JUDGE: Have you delivered to my house yet?

CLAUS: Regretfully, I have not. I hope to do so.

JUDGE: Do you know what my little girl wants for Christmas?

CLAUS: I can affirm I do. But I am sworn to secrecy on her behalf.

JUDGE: Well, I’m not. She wants an Easy Bake Oven, am I correct?

CLAUS: Indeed, you are sagacious.

JUDGE: Is that all she wants?

CLAUS: If my memory serves, she also wants a set of polish for the fingernails.

JUDGE: If you will expunge the latter item, I will be grateful.

CLAUS: With respect, your honor, I cannot. It is my duty to give children what they want. For at least one time of the year.

GRINCHELL: Judge! I implore you, this is highly irregular! We object!

JUDGE: Overruled. Sit down. My ruling is this: Release the defendant. Release Mr. Santa Claus now. And return to him his bag of gifts. In entirety.

GRINCHELL: What?! You can’t be serious!

JUDGE: You are free to go, Mr. Claus. You may resume your deliveries. Godspeed.

CLAUS: My eternal gratitude, your lordship.

GRINCHELL: This is an outrage! An abomination! You are a disgrace to the legal system you pipsqueak son of a bitch!

JUDGE: You are in contempt, counselor! Bailiff, remove Mr. Grinchell from the courtroom! Case dismissed. And Mr. Grinchell? One more thing. Feliz Navidad!